29. Apology 101: The Dos and Don’ts of Saying Sorry

If everyone was good at apologizing, there wouldn’t be countless books written about how to do it right.

I’ve done some really stupid things in my life. I’ve screwed up in public. I’ve screwed up at work. I’ve screwed up at home. We all screw up at some point.

What we don’t all do is know how to apologize. At least not how to apologize well.

Learning how to apologize is critical if we want to ship really great software.

It’s obviously important to apologize because it’s the polite and proper thing to do. But there are certain psychological benefits to apologizing that we shouldn’t ignore.

The biggest benefit is to help repair the damage to the relationship. Things like broken trust and no longer feeling safe, among many other things.

And if there’s one thing I believe very strongly, it’s that you can’t build great software without great relationships.

So learning how to apologize sincerely and mend damaged relationships is a critical thing for us to learn as we progress through our careers.

Topics:
• 02:48 – We’re not good at apologizing
• 03:17 – There are psychological benefits to apologizing
• 04:11 – You can’t build great software without great relationships
• 06:08 – A bad apology can be as bad as the offense
• 07:50 – First understand what you’re apologizing for
• 08:23 – Sorry Sorry Sorry
• 08:56 – 01 – Say you’re sorry
• 09:03 – 02 – Say what you did
• 09:26 – 03 – Say why it’s bad
• 09:46 – 04 – Don’t make excuses
• 10:12 – 05 – Say why it won’t happen again
• 10:33 – 06 – Make reparations
• 10:55 – 06.5 – Let them speak
• 11:26 – Things to avoid
• 14:47 – Accepting an apology

Helpful Links:
• How to Give a Meaningful Apology | HBR
• Do you use these words when you apologize? It’s time to stop, researchers say | NPR
• The art of a heartfelt apology | Harvard Health
• 8 Ways to Apologize Well | Time
• Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies | Amazon
• The 4 Types of Ineffective Apologies | HBR
• The Power of Apology | Psychology Today
• The Professional Way To Handle Apologies And Forgiveness | Forbes

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